The Influencers Normalizing Not Having Sex

Incels—men who identify as involuntarily celibate—have long dominated conversations about loneliness and sex, both within the manosphere and on the broader internet.

But the data shows that young women, too, are having less sex. According to the National Survey of Family Growth, sexlessness among young adult women between the ages of 22 and 34 rose by roughly 50 percent from 2013 to 2023. The share of young women who hadn’t had sex in the past year climbed from 8 percent to 13 percent during that decade.

Their reasons for abstaining range from anxiety about the state of the world—the overturning of Roe v. Wade, the current political and economic climate—to a desire for total autonomy. While both genders experience similar rates of loneliness, studies have shown that single women tend to be happier than single men, possibly due to not having to deal with a disproportionate amount of household labor or deprioritize their sexual pleasure.

Online, the vocabulary is coalescing: femcel, boysober, opting out.

WIRED spoke to a trio of people who are very online about their celibacy—a career porn star taking a break from men, an asexual ex-Mormon YouTuber, and an entrepreneur who is saving herself for marriage—and are helping normalize it for the masses.

The Porn Star

Dominique Silver isn’t someone you’d normally think of as being celibate. Silver, a trans woman and supermodel, has been a porn star for around two decades and is a Pornhub brand ambassador, performing under the name Natassia Dreams. But over the past year, Silver hasn’t been intimate with anyone, personally or professionally. Silver also models, and many of her friends, including cisgender supermodels, are in a similar situation. “A lot of my girlfriends are not entertaining men right now,” she says.

Silver genuinely loved sex for a long time, but two decades in the industry showed her sides of men she can’t unsee. She watched men spin elaborate lies to their partners and watched friends’ relationships unravel due to infidelity. Leading up to Silver’s decision to be celibate, a failed trip to Brazil made her reevaluate everything. She started closing in on herself, turning into a “hermit,” and eventually got a job as a hostess to force herself to meet people in person instead of through apps.

Silver says she grew up with trauma that created an anxious attachment style. Now she’s in a cleansing stage. “I feel like you need clear space, and you need to be comfortable alone before you start dealing with other people.” She believes women don’t need men the way they once did for stability or status.

The Asexual YouTuber

Growing up in the LDS church, Lynn Saga’s very first youth group lesson at age 12 was on the law of chastity. They sat there totally unbothered. Saga, a 29-year-old non-binary YouTuber, eventually realized why: they were asexual. Saga now identifies as demisexual, a label describing people who only experience sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond. They estimate they’ve felt sexual attraction only three times in their life.

In 2020, Saga started a YouTube channel focused on asexuality. “I don’t want anyone to feel the way I did,” they say. “I want people to know that it’s OK. That they’re not broken.” Saga explains that asexuality is frequently misunderstood as a hormonal imbalance, but what asexuals actually want is to be accepted as they are. They’ve built an online community for “ace” folks, receiving messages from people of all ages who feel relief in finding others like them.

The Virgin

Marina De Buchi, a 30-year-old jewelry brand owner, grew up dreaming of California. Now living there, she shares a home with three other women who are all virgins. “I don’t like to make a big deal out of waiting till marriage,” says De Buchi. “In my friend group, everyone is. It’s very normal.”

For De Buchi, her choice is a reaction to a highly sexualized culture. “People think that means more freedom. But I actually think it’s the opposite.” She met her boyfriend on Hinge a year and a half ago and was upfront about her abstinence from the beginning. They don’t have sleepovers, maintaining clear boundaries as she focuses on her business and her mission to support anti-trafficking organizations.