Advice to Young People, the Lies I Tell Myself (2024)

Advice to Young People, The Lies I Tell Myself¶

I'm really not qualified to give advice.

But enough people DM'd me on Twitter, so here it is. I don't have to answer the same question over and over again. After some more editing, I realized that I am actually writing this for my younger sister Katherine.

Don't read this if you're seeking a nuanced perspective

These are simply the lies I tell myself to keep on living my life in good faith. I'm not saying this is the right way to do things. I'm just saying this is how I did things. I will do my best to color my advice with my own experiences, but I'm not going to pretend that the suffering and the privilege I've experienced is universal.

"Choosing"¶

You'll notice that I use the word "choosing" frequently. I genuinely believe that we are always making choices and that we have the ability to choose. Choosing can be terrifying because it means we are accountable for our decisions, and there are infinite options before us. It is also frightening because once we have made a decision, we must live with it. It is the death of optionality. But I believe that choosing is the only way to live authentically.

Existential Despair: A feeling of hopelessness rooted in the existentialist belief that life lacks inherent meaning. This despair arises from the realization of one's absolute freedom and the responsibility for creating one's own essence and purpose. - Anguish: In existentialism, anguish is the emotional response to recognizing the vastness of one's freedom and the accompanying responsibility for one's actions. It involves the realization that each decision shapes one's essence and affects others, leading to a deep sense of moral responsibility.

There's a joke I once heard about a philosopher. Before going to bed, he wonders if he will be thirsty during the night. So, he goes to the kitchen and places two cups beside his bed: one filled with water and the other left empty, just in case he doesn't want any water.

How to Be Lucky¶

You make your own luck. There's a great experiment that I can't cite, but it has stuck in my mind since I was a child. They identified people as lucky and unlucky and asked them to count the number of photographs in a newspaper. The unlucky people took a long time to count the photographs, while the lucky people took a very short time. The reason is that the unlucky people were so focused on counting the photographs that they missed the giant text that said, "Stop counting, there are 43 photographs in this newspaper."

What I took away from this experiment was the idea that it might not be the case that lucky people and unlucky people have different opportunities, but rather that their field of perception is wider. Lucky people can actually see the opportunities. A lucky person and an unlucky person might meet the same businessman, but they might talk about different things. One could be presented with or ask for an opportunity that the unlucky person doesn't even see as possible.

I often ask myself, "Okay, I'm focused on getting X, but let's not forget to read the headlines."

How to Get a Job¶

I've never gotten a job by applying to it. It's always been referrals or someone reaching out to me. So honestly, my resume is shit compared to my peers. I'm terrible at interviewing, and I've never done LeetCode. This is not a brag; it's just not my style. Am I a nepo baby? I don't know. Was I a morale hire? I'm pretty disagreeable. Was it merit? Also not sure.

Merit¶

Very few people get a job on merit alone. You have to be a big fish in a big pond. That's like IOI, top 1% in your class, etc. That's just... Sort by grades and interview? That's hard. You literally have to be the best. I say what I say knowing that you've already worked hard, knowing that you've already put in the sweat, but understanding that the next 10% or the next 5% of improvement is going to be much more difficult than focusing on being a better person. And that I want you to be conscious of the trade-offs you make between these "soft" and "hard" skills.

High Agency¶

When I hire someone, I simply want to know that they are capable of taking charge of their own life. It's quite common for people to DM me saying, "Hey man, how can I help you?" However, I often find that they haven't put any effort into thinking about it. I usually ignore such messages unless I truly believe they can provide assistance.

There have been many times people will DM me offering to help while I am writing a blog post. I'll send over a draft and say, "let me know what you think." No comments, and then I get ghosted?

How to Reach Out

Do not send me anything longer than you would send to a crush. Some people email me six-paragraph essays about the time they saved a cat from a tree.

I find the most effective way to get someone's attention is to simply give, just like in dating. Hey, I noticed that you read this book on your website. I think you'd like this book too; it's pretty short, etc. Oh, I noticed a typo in your post and sent over a fix. Hey! I had a thought on your draft and left a few comments. Do you have any feedback?

There are so many little ways to get people's attention that aren't self-centered. I do this with my consulting too. During the first call, my only goal is to tell you everything I think could help your business. I don't care if you hire me or not. I just want to help. And as it turns out, this leads me to the next part.

I recognize that not everyone has access to the same networking opportunities, and the traditional job application process can be a valid and necessary path for many. But social media, when used correctly, is a great way to get an opportunity.

Be the Plumber¶

When my toilet is overflowing with shit and my wife is about to come home in 2 hours, and I find a plumber, the plumber does not go, "OMG, thank you for this opportunity." They are past that. They know that you're in a pinch, and they know that what they have is valuable. They know they are here to solve MY problem. Hiring is the same way. This is why people want to hire senior folks because there's some trust.

But ultimately, you have to understand that unless there's some tremendous tax break and positive EV, the people who are hiring NEED HELP. Your job is to help them solve the problem or find the problem to solve. You're here to solve my problem; you're not here to collect charity work.

Be Someone People Want to Work With¶

If your metric for working somewhere is being someone people want to work with, it turns out skill is not the highest metric. I've seen people get hired because they're fun to be around. If you want to be the smartest person, then yeah, good grades and being the smartest person in the room is a good metric. But if you want to get a job, "man, you're great to be around" is a very strong metric. This is obviously conditional on skill, and you should obviously focus on skills acquisition.

Impostor Syndrome¶

If I hired you, don't insult me by having impostor syndrome. I hired you because I think you can solve my problem. I didn't hire you to compare you to other plumbers (I might), but at the end of the day, you must just think I have shit taste and that you've somehow tricked me into thinking you're good when you're an impostor? Right?

That said, I'd advise junior people to seek out teams that prioritize a high degree of psychological safety.

If you don't believe in yourself, believe in me that believes in you.

How to Be Good at Many Things¶

I think too many people reading this are mostly pursuing intellectual activities, but I'm mostly gonna focus on using analogies of personal physical fitness to describe how I think about this kind of stuff.

In the beginning, you're gonna have noob gains, just an act of practicing is going to be enough to make improvements. You're gonna be so weak and out of shape that if you walk, it's gonna be cardio, and if you run, yo