A Theory of the World as run by large adult children

Harold and George Destroy the World!

I have been thinking a lot lately about these two fellows.

If you are not lucky enough to know them already, those are Harold and George from the Captain Underpants series of books (among others). Two supposedly prototypical boys whose wonderful imaginations are in the process of being destroyed by educators who do not recognize their gifts. Whether they will go on to form a quality death metal band is left to the reader’s imagination.

I first noticed their hand when I made a classic Tom mistake and tried to watch two movies back-to-back. I finished the very good One Battle After Another, took a breath and started Predator: Badlands. I only lasted through most of the first scene because it was so clearly their work.

• Harold: “It starts and there’s just one Predator and he’s climbing the biggest mountain ever!”
• George: “And then he gets to the top and there’s this crazy Predator castle!”
• Harold: “It’s all creepy and he goes in and there’s like … King Predator on a throne!”
• George: “And they get into a huge argument but we can’t undertsand because they’re talking Predator!”
• Together: “WITH THAT CREEPY MOUTH MOVEMENT THING!”
• Harold: “And they get into a fight!”
• George: “With swords!”
• Harold: “Really shiny big metal swords!”
• George: “But they also have like, red lasers and stuff on them and when they hit there’s sparks!”

So I tapped out. Maybe it turns good. The reviews I’d read suggested it does and I should go back, fast-forward past that and try it again. Regardless, having realized Harold & George are now responsible for a significant portion of our media, I’ve started to see their hand elsewhere. And if this war in Iran is not the work of a bunch of boys who never turned ten, I will be goddamned. You almost have to tip your cap to the amount of imagination these people have for doing bad things. The new silver dollar no longer has an olive branch. The Department of Defense, so named because everyone has a right to defend themselves, is now the Department of War, so named because why?

I’ve been thinking about how they’re going to leave us as US citizens holding the bag for a lot of crap up to, and including, ruining a World Cup. Which led me to thinking about the IoC and FIFA and how pretty much every country’s Football Association, regardless of the quality of government in the country at large, is completely corrupt. I knew the US had arrived on the world football stage when our own FA was blown up by the Attorney General. One of the people convicted was an unlikable 70 year old boy who lived in a kid’s idea of a cool apartment, a tasteless, gaudy expensive NYC apartment and the one next door to it, specifically for his cats. You will never guess whose tasteless, gaudy expensive NYC apartment building it was.

Anyway, here’s hoping Captain Underpants hears whatever sound it is soon.